im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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