she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
