I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize