Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
