So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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