i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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