I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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