the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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