I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
