Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
