Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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