I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
