I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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