No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
