i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I skipped work to stalk him.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
