dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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