Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
