she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
