I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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