I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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