I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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