there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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