I think my vagina is haunted
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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