Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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