Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
