bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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