PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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