The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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