im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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