Even the bartender felt bad for me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
