someone owes me an orgasm
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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