you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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