im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
