if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
