..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
