Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
