I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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