I just threw up on my dentist
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
