Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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