If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize