I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
