btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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