mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
