On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize