I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
