You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You may now shotgun with the bride
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
