just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
