Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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