so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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