I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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