I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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