The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
