I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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