Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
