My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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