you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
