Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
