I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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