Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
