need another drink. this is the easiest way
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
