I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
