I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
