biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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