Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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