just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
