He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
