The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
